Tuesday, December 11, 2012

B.J. SPA………………………..


I and my friends Sunny and Johnny were sitting in a bar enjoying our beers when this friend of Johnny walked in and Johnny invited him to join us. After a heart full of talks, we got a NEW INFO about the spa which had opened in the next town where they offered the EXOTIC BLOW JOB.
AND as the saying goes BOYS WILL BE BOYS… BAD BOYS. We decided to visit it. AND WE DID IT .. VERY NEXT SUNDAY.
As we entered the SPA ….. We were welcomed with a warm lemon tea. Then the Madame of the house told us that the Blow Job was available in 3 price tags. $100, $200 and $300. So! Sunny said he could afford only $100 so he’ll go first. He went and returned after half an hour fully content with a smile.
We asked him what had happened. He told us that “The girl put the whipped cream all over his massive thingie then threw some rice flakes, & covered it with honey and topped it with bit of chocolate flakes and had her tongue licking it and then sucked him dry.” WE WERE REALLY IMPRESSED.
I was the second to go for $200. When I returned after an hour, I was with an EAR TO EAR SMILE. I could see that Sunny was little jealous BUT anyways they asked me what happened? ….. & …….. I replied.
“She put the layer of vanilla ice cream on my dick then sprinkled Chocó flakes, then the layer of strawberry ice cream and then a little of raisins and toped it with a little of honey & then LICKED ME DRY.
Now ………. It was Johnny’s turn. He chose the $300 BLOW JOB & IN ……….. HE WENT. To our surprise he returned in just ……. 25 minutes. And he came crawling like a lizard, groaning in pain and all hunched over. Crying “GOD HELP ME.” “PLEASE SAVE ME LORD.” After seeing us he cried loudly “SAVE ME. SAVE ME. TAKE ME OUT OF HERE OR I’LL DIE.” We were confused BUT anyways he was our friend so we helped him and took him out of the spa.
On exiting we asked Johnny what was the matter.
Johnny: Fuck me! Fuck me! It was the most dangerous thing I ever had in my life. OOOh! Ouch!
We: HEY! BROTHER. Where is the pain?
Johnny: In my back, neck and everywhere near elbows. Ahh! Goddamn it!
We: What happened? Did she hurt you?
Johnny: NO! NO! Nope! She was one of the best, beautiful and the most cooperative gal I’ve ever met in
               my life. Oh! Oh!sssss. God. Please…. F*** F***
We: [CURIOUS] Then what actually happened?
Johnny: Well! She put the strawberry ice cream on my thingie and topped it with honey. Then she
               sprinkled choco flakes over it then topped it with butterscotch ice cream. Then she put some
               choco sauce and sprinkled the crispy biscuit crump. Then covered it with wild strawberry ice
               cream and topped it with lots of nuts & berries & raisins.
We: [DREAMING ABOUT THE SITUATION] Then what happened?
Johnny: THAT FUCKING THING LOOKED SO DAMN PRETTY AND TEMPTING THAT I TRIED TO EAT IT................... MYSELF…………………………….
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Monday, December 10, 2012

TWO OF IT? ………………………..


The [VISTING] G.K. teacher was teaching the class about deadly historical weapons and he showed an ANTIQUE revolver to the class for their knowledge. Marie was sitting at the back seat and when she saw this revolver she said “SIR! Only one? My daddy has got two of those.” The teacher kept mum.
Then the sir showed a vintage Indian sword. On seeing it Marie said “SIR! My daddy has two of those.” The G.K. Master smiled and kept quite {[BUT…. Inside he was boiling.]}
Next he showed the silver Chinese dagger to the class. Again Marie said “BUT SIR” .. “My dad has two of those.” [Now the teacher was getting pissed off……. BUT … still he did not show it.]
Next ……….. He showed the class his antique piece……. The great Nepali Khukri made of half silver and half gold & decorated with precious stones. Marie again said “SIR! But my daddy has two of those.”
NOW fully pissed off the teacher unzipped his pant. ….. Walked towards Marie and removed his massive [9 inches] thingie out and pointed it on her face and said “I hope your daddy doesn’t have two of these.”
Marie was shocked to see the LEANING TOWER OF PUSSA! … [Ha Ha Ha! ---- Just a joke] … BUT Marie [was very witty] so she recovered from the shock and replied too fast and said.
No! SIR…………… BUT ………….. HE HAS GOT TWICE AS BIG AS YOURS.
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Friday, December 7, 2012

U Know what I’m doin?.................

A sexy, ravishing & voluptuous blond girl walked into a gynaec’s clinic. On seeing her, his [Gynaec’s] throat was dry, he was stiff in his pants and all his professionalism was flushed down the drain. He [on the spot] urgently asked her to get undressed & lie on the examination table for a thorough check up.
He came in, in 5 minutes with pink eyes and pumping blood in his heart and pants and started fondling with her full grown, rounded & juicy breasts. While doing so he asked her. “Can you guess what I’m doing?” “Yup” “You must be checking for lumps or may be breast cancer” Said she. “Yeah! You are right.” Doctor said. Then he started stroking her thighs as he asked. “Can you guess what I’m doing now?” She replied – “Yup! I think you are checking for abrasion or unwanted celluloid.” “Yeah! You are 100% correct.” Replied the doctor. Then he started fingering with her clitoris and started inserting his fingers lightly in her….. 
[You know what I mean......] [& IF YOU ARE A GIRL PLEASE .... DON'T FEEL IT ---- ]IT MIGHT CAUSE AN ACUTE SEXUAL DRIPPING PROBLEM] [& if it happens - THEN - not my fault OKAY?]
….. and asked her. “Can you guess what I’m doing now?” …….. “Yup! I think you are checking whether I’m having any yellow or abnormal discharge RIGHT?” Doctor thought that the girl was dumb and replied “Wow! That’s a perfect answer.” Then he unzipped his pants and started having sexual intercourse with this blondie and then asked her - “Now! At least now. Can you guess what I’m doing?” The girl replied “YEAH! This time 100% I know what you are doing”. Doctor was astonished and asked “Can you tell me what is it that I’m doing?”
The girl replied “YOU ARE TRYING TO GET GONORRHOEA FROM ME. ACTUALLY FOR WHICH I CAME TO YOU TO GET TREATED FOR.”
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Monday, December 3, 2012

IT’S STORY TIME……………....


Once upon a time………. There was a pond, deep in the heart of a jungle and it was a beautiful season and a beautiful dragonfly was flying over it and enjoying its life. There was a nice handsome fully grown male fish in the pond and he was thinking, “If the dragonfly drops 4 inches down, he can jump out and enjoy eating it.”

……. {[the scene freezes………..]} …….. & NOW…….. {The Story starts]}…..

There was a macho bear too besides the pond, and he was thinking that “If the dragonfly drops 4 inches then the fish will jump out of water to eat it and I can jump and catch the fish and enjoy eating it.”

There was a seasoned hunter hiding behind a tree, and he was thinking that “If the dragonfly drops 4 inches, then the fish will jump out of water to catch it, as the fish jumps out of water the macho bear will jump out of the woods to catch it and I can shoot the bear dead.”

There was a mouse watching the whole thing from a burrow and he was thinking that “If the dragonfly drops 4 inches, then the fish will jump out of water to catch it, as the fish jumps out of water the macho bear will jump out of the woods to catch it and the hunter will shoot the bear dead and with the recoil of his gun the cheese sandwich from the hunter’s pocket will fall out and I can enjoy myself with it.”

There was a wild cat who was observing the whole scene carefully and she was thinking that “If the dragonfly drops 4 inches, then the fish will jump out of water to catch it, as the fish jumps out of water, the macho bear will jump out of the woods to catch it, as the bear comes out the hunter will shoot the bear dead and with the recoil of his gun the cheese sandwich from his pocket will fall out and the mouse will come out of his burrow to eat it and I can catch the mouse and have a good time for myself.”

……………… AND FINNALY IT HAPPENS …………………  {[The scene is unfreezes…]} 

THE SCENE COMES LIVE......................... [NOW LISTEN / READ CAREFULLY]..

The dragonfly drops 4 inches. The fish jumps out of water to catch the dragonfly. As the fish comes out of water, the macho bear makes his way out of wood. As the bear comes out of the wood the hunter aims and shoots. As the hunter fires the gun, with the recoil of his gun the cheese sandwich jumps out of his pocket and falls on the ground. As the cheese sandwich falls out on the ground the mouse makes a move and comes out of the burrow to get it. As the mouse comes out of the burrow to get the sandwich the cat jumps from the hiding place to grab the mouse. ………… BUT ……….. Oh! Oh! The cat misses and falls in the pond.

SO????? WHAT THE HECK……..  WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY?????????????

Ha Ha Ha!!!!! VERY VERY SIMPLE.

IT TAKES A LOT OF FOREPLAY TO GET A PUSSY WET.
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Thursday, November 29, 2012

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING????????????


One day an armed robber entered a rich businessman sardar’s house and was opening up the safe when Sardar and his wife who were sleeping in the next room heard the sound. Sardar went to check what was happening in the next room…………
Sardar did not return for 10 minutes hence his beautiful wife went to check out. When she entered the room she saw that the thief was standing with a knife in his hand and her husband was on his knees and pleading for his life with the thief. The thief saw sardar’s beautiful & ravishing wife full of curves all over and became HORNY. He drew a circle on the floor with a chalk and asked the sardar to stand inside it and warned him not to come out of the circle if he wants his life to be spared. Then asked sardar’s wife to get naked - laid her on the floor and nicely ravished her for couple of hours from all sides and all angles and all acrobatic positions ……….. Then made sardar’s whole safe empty and went away fully content. When the thief was gone wife looked at her husband who was giving ear to ear smile to her. Upon seeing this she started cursing sardar.
Wife: What type of a husband are you? You fear that thief’s warning and did not even care to come for my rescue out of that circle. That scoundrel was raping me and you did not do anything.
Sardar: You are an idiot, good for nothing. I understand that this bloody thief did not even understand what I did. I thought at least you will understand it.
Wife: What the hell should I understand? I only understand that you didn’t do anything.
Sardar: [Shouted] My foot! What do you mean by I didn’t do anything? I CAME OUT OF THAT CIRCLE 7 times and went back again and that FOOL OF A GUY DID NOT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND IT………………… [with firmness in his voice] NEXT TIME. You see…. NEXT TIME IF HE COMES AGAIN I CHALLENGE YOU!!!!!!!!!..... I WILL COME OUT OF THE CIRCLE AT LEAST 14 TIMES AND BREAK MY OWN RECORD…………..
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LUCKY COUPON……………………


This new gas station was opened in our city and they floated a scheme to attract customers of which they had put a big banner outside. “FILL 10 LITERS OF PETROL and GET A CHANCE TO HAVE FREE SEX”
[as usual the [*] sign followed it to say “CONDITIONS APPLY”].
I was astonished & happy and thought I could try my luck…. So! I went to this gas station and filled my car with 10 litters. They gave me a scratch card and asked me to meet the manager. I scratched my card and got alphabet “P” which I showed to the manager. He told me that, that day’s lucky alphabet was “C” and showed me the way out with BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. I went back the next day and got “T” when manager told me that the day’s lucky alphabet was “P”. I tried 7 more times but every time I got BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. I went to try again for the last time & same thing happened. This time I got pissed off and said “F O” to the manager and was coming out when I met this sardar who was heading the manager’s office. I said to him that this scheme looks bogus and that it seems to me that this gas station was coning people. To my astonishment sardar said………
Sardar: NO! NO! Dear sir this is a real scheme.
I: Is it?
Sardar: 100% sir.
I: Did you get lucky anytime?
Sardar: No sir I too am trying my luck like you.
I: So? What on the earth makes you feel that this scheme is a real scheme?
Sardar: Sir! My Sister got lucky 7 times and my wife got lucky 9 times…………….. I’m 100% sure that this is a genuine scheme………………………..
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OH! WHAT A BET?.....................


John challenged Tina $10 that he could have sex with her without even touching her. Tina accepted the challenge by placing $10 on the office table. John too placed the bet, locked his cabin got Tina undressed and had a wild sex with her. After some struggle Tina got herself freed from John and screamed at him……
Tina: Fuck you!
John: I did.
Tina: What in the hell? You touched me all over while having sex.
John: Did I? Oh shit. That means I fuckin lost the bet. OKAY! Alright! So $20 are yours. 
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Thursday, October 18, 2012

ZOOOONNNNGGGRRULLAAAAAA!...............................

We 3 friends decided to go to African forests for an excursion. we went too....got misplaced & got ourselves captured by the local cannibals who tied us to the sticks to their village in the heart of the jungle. After reaching there.... they cut open the ropes and made all three of us stand in a line.
There was sudden sound of drums and all the villagers bowed down on their knees.
Crowd: Alloola makiloola! [3 times] & the king of the tribe came on to beneath of tree  in the center place where there was a stone carved lion chair and sat on it.
Every person in the village adored and admired him. [HE WAS JUST OF 28 - 30 years of age just like us]
He saw the prisoners and gave a look to the audience .... his audience & said to us....
King: Asari mufara sikari zhulfi? [We could not understand anything.............]
King: You from India?
I: Yes! Yes! Your honor..... I mean your majesty.
King: Good! I studied in India for 5 years for my graduation. You see we are a cannibal tribe and as per our rules we either kill the person, eat him alive or give him ZOONGROOLLLAAA! So!... as you are from India where I studied too. I will give you a concession.... You can either choose to die or ask for Zoongroollla!
SO....... WE ALL THOUGHT FOR 2-3 MINUTES.
I: Sir! I've got to get married and have my children too so please give me Zoongroolla instead of death.
King: Very well! [He stood up and shouted with one hand cupped over his mouth] ZOOOOONGRRRRROOOLLLLLLLAAAAA! sssssssssss .....Everything fell to silence in the jungle and a sweet music of flute and drums started playing............
& 2 beautiful women came dancing from somewhere and took me by my hands and took me about 50 feet away and tied my hands and legs to 2 trees and stripped open my cloths. & then the music stopped and we all could hear the marching of an army..... when we saw there were 10 giant of guys of 6 feet FULLY NAKED marching towards me with HARD DICKS of about 8 inches........... each and everyone caught me by my waist and had their way inside me from back. then they released me and I fell down and my ass was full of blood and I ran for my life in the jungle.
Then second friend of ours went ahead and said to the king.
John: Hey! King I liked it and I want the same thing................
King: Very well! [He stood up and shouted with one hand cupped over his mouth] ZOOOOONGRRRRROOOLLLLLLLAAAAA! sssssssssss
& same thing happened like........... music of flute and drums..... and the John was tied to the trees and stripped off............. and 15 giant of guys of 6.5 feet with their HARD DICKS of 10 inches came marching towards him .............. and he crawled on his elbows and knees to survive and run away with his almost torn up ass............NOW!..... It was ROBIN'S turn and he was horrified........
Robin: [to king] : Sir! Now I can not take 20 guys with 12 inches dicks TO RIDE on my behind....... SO! SO! Please give me DEATH.
King: Are you sure?
Robin: SURE? Are you kidding me? ... I am SURE AS HELL. P L E A S E! GIVE ME DEATH. & that is my final decision. 100% FOR SURE.
King: Okay! YOUR WISH. SO BE IT.
King: [ROSE UP] [and shouted]:  ZOOONGROOLLLLLLAAA! ZOONGGGROOLLAAA! ZOOONNGGROOOOLLLLLLAAAAAA! - ZZZONGGRRRROOOOLLLLLAAA UNTILL DEATH.
AND WE NEVER EVER SAW ROBIN AGAIN......................................








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Hurry puts you in curry!...........

3 men & a school going kid were travelling in an aircraft.......
1st the pilot, 2nd a politician of a country 3rd a teacher and a school going kid.
when they were on the most highest point - pilot understood that both the engines had failed.
He came to the main chamber and told the passengers that "THIS WAS THIS". and .............
Said that the plane had only 3 parachutes............ everyone was in a big panic.
Pilot: I am one of the most important and precious person so I'll take the 1st parachute. [He took it and jumped out.]
the politician came forward next.
Politician: I am required by my country and that is why I too am an important, most required, honorable and precious person on the face of this earth and hence I require a parachute too. [and he took the second and jumped]
third came the teacher.
Teacher: Son! I have lived my life and seen the GOOD and the BAD. You are just a kid and this EARTH and WORLD requires your IDEAS and ACTS so hence. I will go down with this plane. You grab the third parachute and jump.
Kid: But sir.............!!! We both have the parachute. Why do you want to sacrifice your life?
Teacher: BOTH HAVE PARACHUTE? HOW COME! Pilot said there were only 3 parachutes on this plane.
Kid: I do agree with what the pilot said sir!
Teacher: Then how come we can save both of our life?
Kid: SIR! In the hurry the POLITICIAN TOOK MY SCHOOL BAG AND JUMPED..... Hence 2 parachutes are left behind.
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Thursday, March 15, 2012

TIT FOR TAT...............

After a fierce argument of 3 hours a lady professor said to male professor....
LP: I will give you TIT FOR TAT everytime you argue with me.
MP: You sure?
LP: Of course.
MP: Will you not change your words after wards?
LP: NO NEVER.!!
MP:OKAY! Then I would love to say that. Can I?
LP: YEAH SURE BRING IT ON.
MP: OKAY THEN ............... TAT!
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The saying.......................Huh huh


I walked into a public toilet where I found two toiletss, of which one was already
occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants & undiess and sat
down.
A voice came from the toilet next to me: "Hello dear, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah!,So far so good thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Unsure what to say, I replied "Huh Huh! just having a quick poochoo. How about you?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry buddy, I'll call you back.
I've got some bastard in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
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Heaven OR Hell...........................


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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Popeye & rust............................?

What part of Popeye does not rust?
ANS: The part he puts in OLIVE oil.
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Gynaecologiest and Pizza boy.....................

What do Gynaecologiest and a Pizza boy have in common?
THEY BOTH CAN SMELL IT BUT CAN'T EAT IT.
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Agreement.......................

After a fierce argument of 2 hours a lady professor announced to male professor.
Lady P: I think we just cannot agree with anything under this sun.
Male P: Again you are wrong mam. We can  agree on one point.
Lady P: How in the god's name?
Male P: You see. Imagine a situation. You are travelling to a distant place and you happen to land up in a  
             totally unknown place and there is only one hotel with only one room in which you have got two beds
             and you've got to share the bed for a night. In one bed is a female sleeping and in another a man.
             Which bed would you prefer?
Lady P: Of course the one with the lady in it. No doubts.
Male P: You see I too will prefer the same bed.
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Lick..................

A guy came rushing to a bar table and announced loud.
"Damn it I'm so thirsty that I can lick the sweat off the dog's balls."
To which a guy in the corner table answered ....... "Bhow bhow Whoo bhow bhow"
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Monday, February 27, 2012

Salary and Penis......................?

What is the difference between SALARY and PENIS?
ANS: Your wife will always LOVE to BLOW YOUR SALARY FIRST.
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Definition of L O V E....................

The feeling which you feel, when you feel that you are about to feel a feeling which you never felt before, before feeling this particular feeling, that feeling is called L O V E.
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SMS............................................

A boy loved a girl but never proposed her.

One day he decided to tell her at 12:00 a.m. in the morning through SMS.

He typed: “I Love U & can't live without you” ...........  & .................. clicked ... Send.

After a few seconds he got a SMS back



BUT

he decided to see it next day for surprise,,,,,,,,, & ,,,,,,,,,,,slept happily..............

Next day morning, HE OPENED HIS CELL PHONE TO CHECK THE SURPRISE MASSAGE.

he read the msg AND got shocked, got zapped, nearly fainted.

It was wriiten :
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Dear customer,
msg sending failed due to Insufficient balance.
Please recharge your account urgently to avoid further inconvenience..!
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SWEET TALKER.....................


Gal: Do I look like an angel?
Guy: Yeah!
Gal: Am I the fairy of your dream?
Guy: Yeah!
Gal: Am I the inspiration of the best poems in the world?
Guy: Yeah!
Gal: Am I the one blessed to be the most beautiful girl in the world?
Guy: Yeah!
Gal: Oh! Darling you are the most romantic person and a sweet talker.
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