Sunday, December 4, 2011

If it breaks.........................

What does a bungee jumping and a society girl have in common?
Ans : They both cost you 50 dollars but if the rubber breaks then............
    YOU ARE SCREWED.............
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Identify the wrong one out...............

Identify the wrong one out from the list.
MEAT - EGG - WIFE - BLOWJOB

ANSWER : BLOWJOB.
REASON? :- You can beat your meat, egg and wife
                                         BUT
                       You just can't beat a Blowjob.
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Lay man...............

What do men and tiles have in common?
ANSWER : If you lay them well, then you can walk on them for years together.
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Objection..................

This guy meets a sexy blond in a party..................
GUY : If I give you a lift in my Ferrari would you OBJECT  making LOVE to me?
GAL : That's something I've never done in my life.
GUY : [HAPPY] What? You mean you never made love in your life?
GAL : No dear! I mean I never OBJECTED.
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Rosy..............

The instructor in school........
Instructor : You should have bath daily 3 times. Before coming to school, after reaching
home and before sleeping and that will make you feel rosy all over. Any questions?
Back bencher : Yeah! Tell us something more about ROSY.
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Listen............................

Judge : The last time I told you that I don't wanna see your fucking face in here again.
Thief : I told the same to the fucking cop YOUR HONOR ! BUT Only if he would listen.

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Perfect match........................

Julie : The guy I will marry must be as brave as Bruce Lee but Not like Tom Cruise, He must be
handsome as Bruce Willis but not too forward like Leonard De Caprio, wise like Solomon but
not too meek like a lamb, a man who is kind to all the girls but who can only love and satisfy me.
John : GREAT GOD! Thanks you made us met.
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CRY.......................

A buffalo climbs on the hind of a donkey......
Donkey : hey! What the fuck are you doing?
Buffalo : Just playing game and having fun.
Donkey : If I play the same game you will be crying for your life.
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Screw the boss................

A macho man gets up with a fucking hangover and says to his wife......
Guy : Honey! I know I was drunk in the party but actually what happened in the party?
Wife : You were drunk and got in hot argument with your boss.
Guy : BOSS? Well! Well! Piss on him.
Wife : You did and he fired you.
Guy : No Probs. FUCK HIM.
Wife : I DID! AND you are back on work from tomorrow.
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Substitute for WOMAN..................

2 guys are sitting in a BAR in serious discussion.............
1st guy : I remember my first time you know baby of using ALCOHOL as a substitute for woman.
2nd guy : Yeah! I bet you do. It must have been FUN right?
1st guy : Fun it was painful.
2nd guy : PAINFUL?
1st guy : Yup!
2nd guy : Why? what happened?
1st guy : Well! You know I got my Dick stuck in the neck of the BOTTLE!!!!!!!!

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What a pain .........................

4 guys went to their employer and ask for a raise in the salary.
Boss agreed to give it to one of them but set a condition that the one who gets
the fruit or vegetable to be brought which she has never seen in her life. [BUT]
another condition is if boss identifies the fruit or vegetable then it would be shoved
up the ass of the candidate. All three agree. The test is to be held on next day.
All four candidates are standing in front of the boss's cabin.
1st guys : Good Morning Mam.
Boss : Good morning Charlie! What have you brought a vege or a fruit?
Charlie : Vegetable mam.
Boss : Show me. [Charlie shows] You fucking bastard I always have it in my green salad.
Charlie : You mean you know it?
Boss : Yes! It's Cucumber. Remove your pant and undies & let me shove it up your ass.
[Charlie cries and cries a lot while the Cucumber is shoved up his ass]
2nd guy : Good morning Mam.
Boss : Good morning Joe! So what the fuck have you come up with?
Joe : Vegetable and it is from Brazil and I m confident you haven't seen it in your
         whole life.
Boss : Great! Then show it to me.
[Joe takes it out]
Boss : You mother fucker it is Tapioca. Let me shove it in you.
[Joe cries a lot while the heavy and stiff thing enters his delicate and soft behind.
3rd guy : Good mornin bossie!
Boss : So Martin what have you brought Veg or Fruit?
Martin: You can call it as both cause in European and American countries we call it
             fruit but in Asia they use it as vegetable too.
Boss : [Amazed] Is it? Fuck! I think you are gonna get the raise I suppose. Now show
           it to me. [Martin takes out a huge coconut]
Boss : Screw you Martin It is coconut. Now I'll love to blast your fuckin ass with this
           coco of yours.
[So Martin's pant is removed and undies too and he bends over the table and boss
inserts the huge coco in his ass - BUT - to boss's amazement Martin is laughing and
content while coco enters him]
Martin : Ha Ha Ha! Put it in Lady. Wow! Great I'm gonna love it. Oh GOD you are
             GREAT!
Boss : See Guy I put a Cucumber in Charlie's ass and he was crying like a kid then I
           put the Tapioca in Joe's ass and he fainted and now I am putting such a huge
           coconut in your fuckin ass and you are laughing out loudly ..... are you a insane
           guy?
Martin : No Mam! I am thinking about the future mam.
Boss : What future you fucking ass hole?
Martin : the pain of future mam.
Boss : what future?
Martin : The next turn mam.
Boss : What next turn?
Martin : Mam. John is standing outside with a BIG FUCKING "JACK-FRUIT".


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Thursday, November 24, 2011

FIGHT BETWEEN MOM AND DAD..........................

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of Boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman
goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter
said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree Mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas Tree'.
'A Christmas Tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just
for decoration.'
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Wanna SUCK?.......................

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 22nd floor balcony in USA when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "SHIT!, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. As she passed the 20th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you like to suck BABY?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 15th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. AND to her amazement He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time,

 by a man on the 10th floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"YOU FUCKING SLUT - GOD GAVE YOU RIGHT PUNISHMENT!" he said, and dropped her. 
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Friday, September 23, 2011

Newspaperman....................

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
... In fact he didn't even feel a tickle.............

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

... ... ...
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the newspaperman was dead on the Portico.
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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Lawyers in demand...............................


God called Satan and told him that he has decided to take Satan to the court of law
and settle their differences once and for all.

Satan laughed out loud and asked "And where do you think you gonna get the lawyer from?
They are all with me in Hell"
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What an answer..........................


A doctor, an Accountant and a Lawyer were asked

"How much is 3 + 3?"

The Doctor replied: "Six!"

The accountant says: "I think it's 6 BUT Let me check the calculator one more time."

The lawyer lits a cigarette & asked  "How much do you want it to be?"
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Calling names..............................


An executive was called to the office by his Manager for calling names to him.

Manager: "Is it true that you called me a liar?"

executive: "Yes, I did."

Manager: "Did you call me stupid?"

Executive: "Yes I did."

Manager: "And did you call me an opinionated, shit-headed self centered son of a lesbian?"

Executive: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it for next time?"
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Best Businessman of all times.............................


Christopher Columbus was the best BUSINESSMAN Of all times in the history.

He left not knowing where he was going,

Upon arriving, He was not knowing where he was.

He returned not knowing where he had been,

And did it all on money which was not his.
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Medical Profession ? ....................


Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in a restaurant.

"All of my ancestors strongly supported the medical profession." said the first.

"Doctors?" Inquired the second.

"Well! No. They all were Undertakers and lawyers."
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Idiot...............................


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one New student stood up.

"Now there, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher.

"Well, actually I don't, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Was the reply.
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Proof ? ...............................


Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never claimed it was Round. 
         Go ask the person who said it was"
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Can I help you?..........................


This hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice,
"May I please speak to your manager?"

Bartender says, "Not right now, can I help you?"
She replies,  "I don't know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm cock sure I can handle your problem lady."

She then looks at him with a seductive smile, and leans out and starts running her finger
& wiping them on his beard in a sexy rhythm then Runs them all over his face then puts
two of her fingers in his mouth............He loves the act and romantically starts
sucking them, thinking deep within that he is through!

She then whispers in his ears, "Can you tell the manager something for me?"

"Oh Sure! Love" Says the bartender feeling on top of the world.

"Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies toilet"
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Shitty Business..................................


A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the Jungle together.

The bear asked the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?"

the rabbit replied "Well! No, not really."

“Wow! Great!” said the bear and he picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with it.
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STOP THAT!...............................


A very attractive young GIRL was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date.
She wanted to make sure everything was perfect & at her best.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror & lipstick from her purse, she
accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks around.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
restaurant heard her NATURAL MUSICAL DRAMATIC SOUND, she turns
to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says

"Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
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Sherlock Holmes..........................


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

“Watson, you FUCKING  idiot, It means...........someone has stolen our tent.”
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Brazillion????.........................


Home minister is giving the president his daily briefing. He Concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
The staff is stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching.
The President sits, head in hands, Nervous. Then finally he looks up at the home minister
and asks.......... .....................

I know Million, I know billion, I know Trillion BUT how much is the FUCKIN' 
BRAZILLION?????????!!!!!!!!!!'
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Prayers and hookers...........................


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asks.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Joseph
and Jordon. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"Thank you Father," the woman said, "this I think is the BEST solution."
The very next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he took her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed by the site, she walked over and placed her female parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out together looking at both male parrots:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Joseph, our prayers have been answered!"
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Heaven OR Hell...........................


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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16............................

He always wants a girl of 16 to marry him or to have sex.

If he doesn't get one HE GOES MAD

BUT

ADJUSTS

WITH

2 GIRLS OF 8 YEARS.
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Girls & Boyz...........................


An English teacher wrote the words,

“Woman without her man is nothing”

on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The girls wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
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The talks with neighbors......................



I walked into a public toilet where I found two toilets, of which one was already
occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants & undies and sat
down to be free of tension.
A voice came from the toilet next to me: "Hello dear, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be an asshole I replied "Yeah!,So far so good thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what's up?"
Unsure what to say, I replied "Huh Huh! just having a quick poochoo. How about you?"
I then heard the voice for the last time "Sorry buddy, I'll call you back. I've got some fuckin
 bastard in the toilet next to me who is answering everything I am askin you."
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Friday, June 17, 2011

Driving Nuts...................


This guy walks into a fraternity room with a steering wheel in his trousers. A friend asks,
"Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The guy replies "I don't know, but it’s
driving me nuts".
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Monday, May 2, 2011

EARN THE MONEY.........................

A guy rings the bell of a house and a beautiful, sexy young lady opens the door.
The man looks stunned at her face then at her boobs then at her full blown hips

Lady : Hey! What do you want?
Guy : You see! I can give you 1000 Bucks. Do you want it?
Lady : What do you mean?
Guy : You see your husband must be working hard and earning his salaries.
Lady : So?
Guy : So? So you can earn 1000 bucks for doing nothing.
Lady : Okay! What do you want?
Guy : I just want to feel both your boobs in my hands for couple of minutes.
[Lady thinks hard about her hubby earning 25000 working for the whole month]
Lady : Okay! But only for a minute.
[Guy takes her boobs in hand and lightly squeezes them for a minute and walks away]

After half an hour he returns again and rings the bell again - The lady opens the door

Guy : Okay! Lady I liked what I did half an hour back. Now do you want 2000 bucks?
Lady : This time what?
Guy : I want to feel your perfect round ass and hips.
Lady again thinks the guy is not going to do something more bad so feels okay
This guy feels her perfect round ass her hips and happily goes away.

Again after half an hour he comes and offers her 3000 to feel her perfect thighs and calf.
Again the same happens and he happily goes away.

Again after half an hour the same takes place and he offers 5000 this time to feel
all together and for the last time. She agrees and he goes away happily.
The lady is happy that she has earned 10000 for doing nothing out of limit.

In the evening her husband comes home opens up his tie and sits on the sofa and
when he sees his wife he asks her.
"DID MY NEW OFFICE BOY COME AND GIVE YOU 10000 CASH?"

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Taste....................

One Indian Gynecologist was talking to American Gynecologist

I. G: You see the other day I had a patient who had her cunt like Papaya.

A. G.: You Indians are known to exaggerate things.

I. G: I swear it.

A.G.: If she had that big cunt then how could she walk I BET!

I. G.: You see you Americans are always thinking about the size
            I AM NOT TALKING BOUT THE SIZE
            I AM TALKING BOUT THE FLAVOR. 
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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Insurance........................

One Sardar wrote to an insurance company................

You see for last 5 years I am working on part time service, can feed myself once in a day

and now that my mom has died 7 years back BUT still I've been paying her insurance

premium and I think I can pay this last one for full and final. If you want to cancel her

Insurance it will help me to feed at least 2 meals........P.S. attaching the last cheque.

Pls. Don't sue me for this. I am too too poor.
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Bedridden.....................

One old lady who reached her 95 years was being interviewed by a world famous news channel.

Interviewer: Mam now you have reached this age did you ever repent on reaching this age?

Lady : I am in fact enjoying it.

Interviewer : Were you ever bedridden ever in your life?

Lady : Well! more than 10,000 times and 5 times in a car and twice in a boat.
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Saturday, April 23, 2011

VD [STD]............................

One man called the doctor on the phone & said that his son is having sexually transmitted disease.

Doctor : Okay I'll come tomorrow.
Man : I think It has also passed on to our maid.
Doctor : Okay as I said I'll be there tommorow.
Man : To tell you the fact doctor even I got it from our maid.
Doctor : Oh My God!
Man : and I think...... I think.....
Doctor : WHAT?
Man : Even My wife has got it from me.
Doctor : OH FUCK! WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S NAME - THAT MEANS WE ALL HAVE IT.
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NEIGHBORHOOD...........................

A millionaire Sardar came to understand that his eldest son is visiting brothels.
So to advise him he took him to a pub and started man to man talks.

"Look sonny. I understand that you visit Brothels. If YOU carry this then you will get
AIDS. If you get aids no problem BUT through you your wife will get AIDS. If
your wife gets aids no problem BUT through your wife I will get AIDS. If I get
AIDS no problem BUT through me Your Sister, our maid and Your mom will
get AIDS.If your sister gets AIDS no problem. If our maid gets aids no problem
BUT If your mom Gets AIDS the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD WILL GET AIDS
SO FOR THE SAKE OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD STOP VISITING THE
BROTHELS SONNY. PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
STOP VISITING THE BROTHELS."
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MUMMIES.........................

Q : What happens to to Egyptian girls who forget to take the pills?

A : They become Mummies.
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Hurt.........................

This guy with 12 inches dick died with an erection. It was difficult for the mortician to
put him in the coffin so the dead man's wife told him to cut his thingy and shove it up
his ass.

Next day at the time of funeral his wife saw a small tear in the dead man's eyes. so
she bent over the coffin and whispered in the dead man's ears.

"I TOLD YOU ASSHOLE! YOUR TOOL IS TOO BIG AND IT HURTS LIKE
HELL YOU FUCKIN BASTARD."
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MONEY...........................

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and asks to tattoo a 1000 rupees note on his THINGY.

The owner asks " Why a 1000 Rupees note on your DICK?"

The guy replies 1] I LOVE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY.
                               2] I LOVE TO SEE MY MONEY GROW.
                               3] MY WIFE CAN BLOW MY MONEY WITHOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE.
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Hell Story..............................

A man died and went to hell. Devil welcomed him and asked.

Devil : Do you love SMOKING?
Man : YUP.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Monday.

Devil : Do you love SMACKING?
Man : Very much.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Tuesday.

Devil : Do you love DRINKING?
Man : Absolutely.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Wednesday.

Devil : Do you love Sex with Girls?
Man : That's my first choice.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Thursday.

Devil : Are you a gay by any chance?
Man : Heck no.
Devil : Then you are gonna HATE FRIDAY AND SATURDAY
           AND YOUR ASS WOULD BE SWOLLEN ON SUNDAY.
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Interruption..........................

Wife : How come you didn't talk to me for last 6 days?

Husband : I did not want to interrupt you.
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Who is it..............................

1st Girl : Who is that asshole?

2nd Girl : My husband.

1st Girl : Oh my GOD! I'm sorry.

2nd Girl : It's okay. DON'T FEEL LONELY.
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S E X...................................

An 10 year old girl came to her father and asked what is sex?

Father was surprised BUT thought if she is old enough to ask such question then she
was old enough to understand and digest the correct answer.

The father started telling her the Birds and Bees & Lion & tiger stories about S E X.
After completing he looked at her SHE WAS STUNNED and HER MOUTH WAS
FULLY OPEN AND HER EYES WERE POPPING OUT.

Dad was zapped and asked her "Why did you ask me this question?"

Daughter said "MOM TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT THE DINNER WILL
BE READY IN COUPLE OF SECS."
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SUBSTITUTE.....................

1st Guy : I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

2nd Guy : Yeah? What happened?

1st guy : GOT MY DICK STUCK IN THE NECK OF THE BOTTLE.
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BLOW JOB.............................

A male and a female whales were swimming and they spotted a boat.

Male whale : Hey how bout going under the boat and blow hard through our blowholes.

Female : Well! I don't know.

Male : Come on! It will be a big fun. [She agreed and they did it - sending the boat upside down]

They started swimming again when he said.

Male : How bout going back again and eating the sailors?

Female : SEE DEAR! I AGREED FOR THE BLOW JOB BUT I'M NOT EATING ANY SEAMEN.
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EXPERIENCE............................

2 friends were discussing about a business deal.

1st : I'll put in the experience & you put in the capital.

2nd : And then?

1st : We do the business for 2 years.

2nd : Then?

1st : AT THE END OF THE TERM I'LL GAIN THE CAPITAL AND YOU'LL
          GAIN THE EXPERIENCE.
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ROI..................................

Father : I spent 1,00,000 dollars on my daughters education & you want me to get my
              daughter married to a man who earns only 3000 dollars a month.

Guy : Looking at the global melt down, that's a fair RETURNS ON YOUR INVESTMENT.

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Gonna be a father....................

A smart-ass came to his boss and said he wants 3 days leave cause he is gonna be a father.

The boss granted it.

The guy came after 3 days back to work. The boss asked him "Was it a Baby girl OR a Baby boy?

The guy said with a shy smile. "WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR 9 MONTHS TO SEE THAT SIR."
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VIRGIN.......................

I know it sounds unbelievable but its TRUE. Despite of marring 3 times I am still a virgin.

My first husband was a Gynecologist ----- and------ JUST LOOKED AT IT.

My second husband was a Psychiatrist ----- and ----- JUST TALKED ABOUT IT.

My third husband was a Gourmet ------ and ----- JUST..................
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Who is gonna be the next millionaire.....................

On a game show of becoming millionaire the host asked an old man contestant on the hot seat.

Host : So sir, in these 50 years of your marriage. What has appealed you the most in marriage.

Oldie : "OTHER PEOPLE'S WIVES."
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Impotency......................

A 89 year young man who had married a erotic eighteen girl went to see a sex
specialist asking for advice saying that he had a doubt bout having potency.


Doctor : When did you first notice this?

89 guy : "quite recently."

Doctor : "Give me the full details."

89 guy : "You see doctor I screwed my wife 8 times yester night and could shag only
               TWICE while having my  bath this morning."
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NEIGHBOR............................

3 KIDS WERE PLAYING HOUSE.

A LITTLE GIRL SAID "I'LL BE THE WIFE."

1ST BOY SAID "I'LL BE THE HUBBY."

2ND BOY SAID. "OKAY! YOU GO TO OFFICE. I'LL BE YOUR NEIGHBOR."
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SHOOK UP?...............................

Two society girls were discussing the business of last evening.

1st one asked the other girl "How was your night with the kinky billionaire last night?

2nd one "Well you see he gave me 1000 dollars as tip in the morning."

1st "Don't tell me?"

2nd "But it wasn't worth."

1st "why was it tough?"

2nd "He made me have sex with him in the coffin."

1st "No kidding. I'll bet it shook you up to the core."

2nd "Yeah --> BUT --- Not as much as it did the SIX PALLBEARERS."
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STAGNANT..............................

A beautiful sexy girl walked up to the hospital front desk and asked to see the UPTURN.

"You mean the INTERN isn't it?" the nurse asked.
"Yup I think so - You know I want to have a CONTAMINATION."

"You mean EXAMINATION right?"
"YEAH. WELL! I want to go to FRATERNITY WARD."

"MATERNITY WARD you mean."

"UPTURN - INTERN, CONTAMINATION - EXAMINATION,
FRATERNITY - MATERNITY? WHAT THE SUCK, ONLY THING  I KNOW
IS THAT I HAVEN'T DEMONSTRATED IN 2 MONTHS AND I THINK I AM

STAGNANT.
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DIRT CHEAP.............................

THEN THERE WAS THIS REDHEAD WHO TREATED MEN LIKE DIRT.

SHE HID THEM UNDER THE BED WHENEVER HER HUSBAND CAME HOME.
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RING MY BELL....................

Joseph : Tell me darling, Did any of your girlfriends admire and like
                  your ENGAGEMENT RING?

Lovelina : ADMIRE AND  LIKE?

Joseph : YEAH.

Lovelina : They did more then that. 3 of them RECOGNIZED IT.
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Birds story.......................

This man went to see a TV producer for a audition on 33rd floor.

"What can you do?" asked the producer.

"I do imitations of birds." Said the man.

"Don't Fucking waste my time. I don't want the bird Imitator on my show."

"OKAY OKAY." said the man reached for his hat

AND FLEW OUT OF THE WINDOW.
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FRENCH FRIENDS.......................

Two French friends are talking in a park In USA. Sitting opposite are 2 elderly ladies.

1st one says "Emma come first, Den I come, Two asses dey come together Den I
come again, Two asses they come yet again together and I come once more
Den Pee twice and I come yet again."

One of the old lady gets up and bangs her purse on this guy's head and says

"You filthy little son of a gun, In this country we don't discuss our personal sex life in public."

French " No madame no" I no discuss sex life."
Lady "then what the fuck you were talking about coming business?"

French --> "COOLA DOWN LADDY" "ME JUST TELLIN MU FRIEND
                    HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI."

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Burger & doughnuts.........................

A man walks in a restaurant, sits on the counter and orders a hamburger.

The counterman bellows "One Hamburger"

The person in the kitchen grabs a hunk of chopped meat, stuffs in his bare armpit and pumps his arms 3-4 times and tosses it on the griller.

The man up on seeing this say's "This is the most disgusting and ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life."

To which the man on the counter replies. "OH YEAH?"

"THEN YOU SHOULD BE HERE IN THE MORNING WHEN HE MAKES DOUGHNUTS."
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Hand job.......................

This guy walks in a pub and sees the sign above the bartender.
Chicken Sandwich ------> $ 1
Ham Burger ------------> $ 3
Hand Job --------------> $ 10

The man walks to one of the sexy blondes who is exceptionally SEXY,attractive & beautiful and is serving the drinks to some guys.

Blonde : Yes sir! How may I help you.
Guy : Well! Well!.......I mean.........

Blonde : Sir. Speak it out. Don't hesitate. I am all ears.
Guy : Well! I was wondering. Are you the one who gives the hand Job?

Blonde : Yes! Indeed I am.

Guy : Then wash your FUCKING HANDS & FIX ME A HAM BURGER.
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Tongue.................

An attractive Blond accompanied by her old aunt went to see a doctor.

Blond : We have come for an examination.
Doctor : Okay young lady. Go behind the curtains and take off all your cloths and lie on the table.

Blond : No not for my check up. It's for my aunt.

Doctor : Very well. Okay mam. Please stick your TONGUE OUT!
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Friday, April 22, 2011

Mosquito....................

3 swordsman got into finals in Olympic................They were the best without any comparison. The finals was on and they were told the rule. They had to stand in a circle and a mosquito would be left open from a trap and they had to show their skills with it.

1st was a Japanese. He went with his Samurai and stood in the circle. The mosquito was freed and Japanese went into action SWOOP ! SWOOP! SWOOP! BOTH THE WINGS OF MOSQUITO FELL DOWN AND SO DID THE MOSQUITO AFTER BEING SLICED INTO 2. {There was a big round of applause from the spectators} Japanese bowed gave a smile at the other 2 competitors.

2nd was a Chinese. He went and stood in the circle with his zigzag sword. The mosquito was freed and Chinese went into action SWOOP! SWOOP! BOTH THE WINGS AND ALL THE LEGS OF THE MOSQUITO FELL DOWN AND SO DID THE MOSQUITO. {There was more bigger applause this time from the spectators} Chinese also bowed and went back.

3rd was an Indian he went with just a small sword little bigger then a dagger and stood in the circle. The mosquito was freed and Indian gave a small precised cut in the air SWOOP! BUT OH OH! The mosquito flew away. Indian gave a wicked smile to both the competitors and bowed 3 times to the spectators and judges and went dancing to the sitting place. {there was neither the applause nor any sign of appreciation from the spectators}

The Judges called the Indian and asked "The mosquito flew away we couldn't see any action from your side BUT why are you so happy as if winning a GOLD MEDAL?"
Indian replied cause I am confident that I HAVE won the GOLD.
Judges asked "HOW COME?"
Indian : You know that mosquito was a male?
Judges : That's a new peice of information my dear. SO WHAT?

Indian : [with devilish smile] SO WHAT? THAT FUCKIN MOSQUITO WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BECOME A FATHER IN HIS LIFETIME. I CUT HIS PRICK.

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Chung Fung Lee........................

There was this guy who had a big doubt that his wife was cheating on him and seeing
her college time lover SO he hired a Chinese detective Chung Fung Lee to get some
live and spicy photos of his wife's actions with this fuckin guy.

He informed his wife that he will be away for a week as he is gonna go and attend
a seminar in UK. and stayed in a simple hotel. and sent Mr. Chung Fung Lee to
follow and get photos.

2 days after that : he got a mail.

You go from home.
I stand outside home.

I watch day and night
There is no fight

next day he come
I just outside roam

He hug her
She hug her
I see

He sit in car
she sit in car
I go far   .................. and follow

He go to hotel
She go to hotel
I stand outside ............... and smoke

he book a room
I see the number

He go to room
She go to room
I climb the tree ............. and watch

He hug her
She hug him .................... I see

She strip him
He strip her ..............
I strip myself sir......

He taste her
She taste him
I taste my icecream.......

He play with she
She play with he
I play with me.......

FALL FROM THE TREE.......
NO SEE........
SO NO FEE..........

 
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Turner Brown.......................

Clinton was coming down from an elevator from 105th floor after an inauguration
of  a software company office with covering from 5 FBIs security people AND
had to visit 100th floor for some visit. When the elevator reached the 100th floor
the FBIs got out and a 6.9 feet struggled inside the elevator and Clinton lost his
chance to get out and the door got shut and elevator started towards the ground
floor and the buttons failed due to some technical problems. SO......Clinton looked
at the hefty man and the 6.9 feet NEGRO man gave an ear to ear smile and said..........

Man : I know you are Clinton. I am black.
Clinton : I... I ... Mean I am President..........

Man : [again gave an ear to ear smile] I know who you are. Do you wanna know me better?
Clinton : I..... I .... It's okay.

Man : It's okay. I'll start my Bio-Data.
          Height : 6.9
          Weight : 129 Kg.
          Vital stats : Chest ; 66, waist line 43, Buttocks : 40
          Dick ; 15 inches
          Testicles : [L] 18 lbs. [R] 20 lbs.
          From ; Texas
          TURNER BROWN

Clinton made some faces and went unconscious. [This all happned and they were
on 72nd floor] The man got confused and made lot of attempts to get Clinton to
consciousness but all in vein.

By the time the elevator reached ground floor Clinton came to senses 11 times and
again after looking at the hefty NEGRO went like a dead vegetable time and again.

On the ground floor Clinton came to consciousness again and [by that time FBIs
had reached ground floor] looking at FBIs he came to little comfort and and
challenged the negro hefty guy to threaten him again.
The negro was confused .................... and asked 'THREATENING?' 'WHAT
THREATENING?'

Clinton : [ORDERED] Okay repeat what you said in elevator.

Man : See guy. I know who you are and I'm not gonna screw up with you or my job
          okay?           Now understand and understand straight. Don't mess up with
           me. All the people see me and get anxious to see me and to know my DATA
          So .... I gave you my Bio-Data I told you bout my Height, Weight, Vital
           statistics then I told you the size of my privates and I told you to which place
           I belong and then I told you my name & that is TURNER BROWN.

Clinton : [Gets some color back on his face] THANK GOD! AFTER TELLING ME YOUR
PRIVATE'S SIZE YOU TOLD ME YOUR NAME? WHAT IS IT YOU SAID?

Man : TURNER BROWN.

Clinton : THANK GOD! You said TURNER BROWN and I thought you said

              TURN AROUND...........
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Sugar......................

Clinton : [to Vajpeyee] : Sugar is the only word in English in which 'S' is pronounced as 'SHU'.

Vajpeyee ; ARE YOU SURE?


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Exactly like...............

Boy : You look exactly like my wife.

Girl : Is it?

Boy : Yes! The exact copy you know?

Girl : [Happy] Are you telling me the truth?

Boy : I swear. Why should I lie?

Girl : [More impressed.] What's her name?

Boy : How should I know? I am not yet married. By the way what's your name?
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Foxy game..........................

IN A WILD LIFE CENTURY.............

A tiger is enjoying sex with a tigress in an artificial cave. At that time a FOX comes to
the entrance of the cave about 13.5 meters and challenges the tiger.

FOX : Hey! You fucking rascal. If you've got guts in your ass come out and have a fight
with me AND get screwed from me.

[Tiger continues to do his activity very quietly]

Tigress asks her to be husband ........]

Tigress: What Happened? You are so strong and he is just a fox why don't you go
             fight with him
Tiger : Just forget those value less talks and concentrate on sex.

FOX : [again from outside at a distance of 13.5 meters] What happened? Are you
            planning to wear the bangles in your hand you asshole? If you're born out of
            one father come and have a fight with me and be ready to get your asshole
            screwed from me.

[Again the tiger is quite and tigress gets annoyed and asks a hundred questions
and makes 200 statements BUT tiger cools her down] [Tigress being of imperial
blood says If he says another word I will kill that FOX]

Again after 2 minutes FOX says........

FOX : You asshole are you hiding your face in that fucking tigress's pussy? if you've
           got guts come outside or else send the tigress I'll screw her to the pinnacles
           of ecstacy.

[This time tigress gets annoyed and runs out of the cave to bite and kill the FOX..........]

Looking at the tigress FOX starts running the tigress follows him with full speed.........

FOX is running and tigress is running........

FOX is running and tigress is running.............

They come across a rivulet where there is a big pipe being laid by the wild life century......
FOX enters from the opening so does the tigress after the fox AND gets stuck in the pipe
at the waist. The FOX comes from the other end of the pipe and starts screwing the
tigress...............He does that for 1 hour 35 minutes and before going  Pees and spits
in the privates of the tigress.........

[after trying for hours together tigress manages to get herself free and comes back to the cave and goes to a corner and sits quitely.]

on seeing her tiger asks naughtily...............

Tiger : HUH? What Happened?
Tigress : Well! Well!.......................Nothing.
Tiger : So! Did the fox screw you for an hour and a  half?
Tigress : Ah...? HA......! Well!.......you see.....
Tiger : Forget about getting screwed but before he left he pissed and spited in
           your privates right?
Tigress : Now for heaven's sake how do you know about this?

Tiger : HOW THE FUCKIN ...I KNOW?........LAST 3 DAYS THAT FUCKING FOX WAS SCREWING MY ASS.
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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

N. W. hai kya?.................................

One day mushharaff gets a call at exactly 10.00 am from Vajpeyee.

Vajpeyee : Abe Gandu! Nuclear weapon hai kya?
Musharraff : Haan! Gadhey! hai.
Vajpeyee : Apne Gand mein dal de [and he hung-up the call]

Next day exactly at 10,00 am Musharaff again gets a call from Vajpeyee.....

Vajpeyee : Abe Gandu! Nuclear weapon hai kya?
Musharraff : Haan be chodu! hai.
Vajpeyee : Apne Gand mein dal de [and he hung-up the call]

Third day again at 10.00 am Musharraff gets a call from Vajpeyee.........


Vajpeyee : Abe Gandu! Nuclear weapon hai kya?
Musharraff : Thninks for a while {if he says yes then Vajpeyee will tel him to put it into his ass} - So he plays safe and says]  nahi be landu! Nahi hai.
Vajpeyee : Kyon be chodu Apne Gand mein dal diya kya? [and he hung-up the call]

Next day again at 10.00 am musharraff gets a call from  Vajpeyee................

Vajpeyee : Abe Gandu! Nuclear weapon hai kya?
Musharraff : Thninks for a while {if he says yes then Vajpeyee will tel him to put it into his ass AND if he says no then he will ask whether you have already put it inside} - So he plays safe and says]  nahi be madarchod! Hai bhi AUR Nahi bhi.
Vajpeyee : Kyon bee chodu Gand mein dalkar ANDAR BAHAR kar raha hai kya? [and he hung-up the call]

Musharraff gets annoyed and thinks this OLD MAN is nothing in front of me I am
trained for military warfare and am stronger in body as well as in mind then
this old guy so why not screw his ass.

VERY NEXT DAY MUSHARRAFF CALLS VAJPEYEE AT 9.45 AM AND ASKS...........

Musharraff : Abe Gandu, Madarchod, Chutiye, Bhosdike GADHE sss! NUCLEAR WEAPON HAI KYA?
Vajpeyee : Kyon be gadhe ki aulad GAND MEIN DALNE KI AADAT PAD GAYI KYA?

[AND HUNG-UP THE CALL]
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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Effects of alcohol............................

2 anti alcoholic workers went to a village to preach the ill effects of alcohol
consumption as the whole village was famous for alcohol addiction.

They took a meeting in the evening and showed the films, gave the talks and
seminars so on and so forth and in the end.................

They told that alcohol was so bad that it can cause damage to our immune system
To prove this they took a glass of alcohol and dropped a bunch of worms in it.
Instantly the worms died in couple of minutes. Everyone was silent.
Then the NGO worker asked a wise looking drunked sitting in the front row......
"GENTLEMAN! WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND FROM THIS EXPERIMENT?"

The man was silent for a couple of minutes. Then he gave ear to ear smile and said.

"FROM THIS EXPERIMENT WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALCOHOL IS VERY
EFFECTIVE AND BENEFICIAL TO CONTROL THE UNWANTED WORMS
FROM OUR STOMACH. TO KILL THESE WORMS WE SHOULD DAILY
DRINK ALCOHOL."
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No More......................

There was this boozer who used to drink like a fish.

One morning he opened the newspaper and there was a front page news about
25 deaths in the next city due to drinking and special write ups about the effects of
drinking and how to stop drinking and blah blah blah...

"OKAY! FROM TODAY ONWARDS NO MORE" He said out loud.

Wife was really happy to hear that BUT for her satisfaction she asked to confirm
"NO MORE? WHAT?"

Husband said "NO MORE NEWSPAPER IN THE HOUSE."


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Fight.......................

Jim : Yesterday There was a furious fight between you and your wife I suppose.

Ronny : Yes! She was angry and started throwing kitchen Items on me.


Jim : Yes! We all neighbors could hear that. Did You get hurt?

Ronny : No. But I taught her a big lesson.

Jim : Really?

Ronny : YES! In the end she came on her hands and knees crawling to me.

Jim : And what did she say?

Ronny : COME OUT FROM UNDER THAT BED YOU COWARD.
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Heaven and Hell.....................

Rita : Mom I'm not gonna get married to Rihan.

Mom : Why child he is clever, a Businessman and a rich person.

Rita : Mom! But he doesn't have faith and doesn't believe in heaven or hell.

Mom : Don't worry child as soon as he gets married to you he will start believing in
            WHAT HELL IS.
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At the heaven's door..............................

There was a long line in front of heaven door and St. Peter was asking questions and
judging the people and deciding whether they should go to heaven or hell. A man
appeared in front of St. peter.

St. peter : How did you die my child?
Man : I don't know I was running on the footpath to catch the bus and something
heavy fell on my head and I reached here.

St. Peter : Okay you may go to heaven.

Next man came and St, Peter asked him how he died. He started telling his story.

Man : I always had a doubt that my wife was cheating on me so one day I came early
from the office and heard my wife's and another man's voice from inside the bedroom.
I opened the door of the apartment and ran to the bedroom and sure there was man's
cloth lying on the bed and floor but no one could be seen except my naked wife so I
ran to the kitchen and peeped out the window and saw a man running on the footpath
so I lifted the refrigerator and threw it on him. I think that was the man who just now
went to heaven. But out of lifting the heavy refrigerator I got a heart attack and I died.

St. Peter : Okay! All through your life you have gone through hell and were not happy
so you may go to heaven as well Son.

Third man came stark naked, Shivering with cold and St. peter asked him
"Now whats your story? How did you die?

Man : My Lord I was inside the refrigerator.
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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Heavens Door..........................

A man died and knocked on the doors of heaven. There was a big drum beat and..........
A voice asked "ARE YOU MARRIED?"
Man : "YES MY LORD."
Voice : "Come in son, You've have seen enough of hell in your life."

Another man after a while knocked at the heaven door. There was a big drum beat and...........
The voice asked "Are you married?"
Man : "Yes my lord TWICE."
Voice : "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, WE DON'T HAVE PLACE FOR FOOLS."
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Family dramas.......................

+] Wife : You always hear from one ear and let go from other.
     Husband : And you hear from both and let go from your mouth.

+] Man : [To fortune teller] Why is my marriage not happening?
      Fortune teller : Cause god has destined happiness throughout your life.

+] Man : Come in, don't be scared. It's our new dog. It won't bite.
    Sales person : Why? This dog doesn't bite?
     Man : That's what I want to find out.

+] Son : Why did you marry dad?
    Mom : See sonny! You also seem to be confused like me.

+] Husband : I had a dream "I was bathing in a pond of honey & you in a pond of cow dung.
     Wife : I too had a similar dream BUT after that You were licking me & I was licking you.

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Law Law & Law.........................

#] Judge : Do you have anything to offer to this hon. court before I pass verdict.
    Defendant : OFFER? No your honor! My lawyer robbed me up to my last penny.

#] Judge : Do you understand that you are sworn to tell the truth?
    Defendant : Yes! Your honor.
    Judge : Do you know the outcome of being untruthful?
    Defendant : Yes! Your honor. The outcome will be "WE WILL WIN".

#] Judge : Last time I told you RIGHT? That I don't want to see you here again.
     Culprit : That's what I tried to tell the cops BUT only if they believe me.

#] Judge : Can you identify the defendant as the murderer?
    Witness : Yes honor I can remember his face as I saw on the day of murder.
    Defendant : Your honor Witness is lying. How could she see my face? I was under
                       mask.

#] What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
    ANS. : Good lawyer knows the law perfectly. BUT a great lawyer knows the
                Judge perfectly.
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Lawyer jokes 4 u......................

#] How do you get a group of lawyers smile for a photo?
     Ans. : Just say 'Fees'.

#] If an apple a day keeps a doctor away then a garlic a day keeps everyone away
        [in turn keeps a lawyer away cause no one will come near you so no legal hassles]

#] Who is Jury?
    Ans. : Jury is collection of people who decide who hired a better liar lawyer.

#] The deadliest terrorist hijacked a jumbo jet full of lawyers and threatened.........
     "TO RELEASE ONE LAWYER EVERY HOUR IF HIS DEMANDS ARE NOT MET."

#] What's the difference between a lawyer and GOD?
      GOD never thinks that he is a lawyer.

#] Lawyer : What is your relation with the plaintiff?
    Witness : She is my daughter.
    Lawyer : Was she your daughter On 17th March 2009?
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Some more lawyers jokes......................

#] Client : "You are a very expensive lawyer. I am a poor man.
                If I give you Rs. 100 per question will you answer my two questions?"
     Lawyer : "Definitely! Now what's your second question?"

#] 1st man : do you know how to save 5 lawyers who are drowning?
    2nd man : No!
    1st man : That's good.

#] 2 lawyers were negotiating on a property case of 2 brothers.
     1st lawyer said : See friend let's be honest with each other.
     2nd lawyer : Okay! You first.
    That was the end of the negotiation.

#] 1 lawyer, 1 doctor and 1 engineer gathered for their dentist friends funeral.
    Doctor said "in our family we have a tradition of offering some money to the
    dead person. saying this he dropped $ 100 bill over the coffin. The engineer also
    dropped a $ 100 bill over the coffin. The lawyer took both the bills and wrote out
     a bank cheque for $ 300.
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Lawyers jokes................

#] Where do Vampires learn to suck blood?
     Ans. : In Law colleges.

#] Two law partners left the office for a lunch party. In the middle of the party the junior partner slapped his forehead and said "oh shucks! I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replied "What the fuck you are afraid about? We both are here."

#] Lawyer : [To a witness] What is your date of birth?
     Witness : March 21st.
    Lawyer : Which year?
     Witness : Every year.

#] What do UFOs and Honest lawyers have in common?
     Ans. : You always hear about them, But never see them in reality.

#] How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
     Ans. : His lips are moving.

#] How can you tell when a lawyer is telling the truth?
     Ans. : His lips are shut.


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Carved wooden box................................

They were happily married for 25 years and on the 25th wedding night husband was searching for an important office file in the wardrobe and found a carved wooden box hidden inside the locker box of his wife. He opened it and found that there were brand new unfolded 3 bills of 100 dollars each and 3 peanuts inside it. He went on searching for the file and got it at last and finished the pending work.

At night, While on the bed, he asked his wife about the carved wooden box. She was zapped to know that he had found the box. She then started crying and said. "Joseph I would like to confess something. Only if you can forgive me." He said "No problems dear. This is a fast pace life and we are tend to make mistakes, I too have done it once in my life. So go on I am ready to accept and digest the reality."

She said "Oh! Joseph You know for last 20 years since you took up the traveling marketing job and used to be away for days together out of the house. I used to feel horny and used to cheat on you and whenever I used  to do that I used to keep a peanut in the carved wooden box."

Husband thought for a while and said "okay Honey! I forgive you cause you have done it only 3 times. Fine If I was in your place may be I would have done the same." "So it's okay." After a while he asked again but what about the 3 bills of 100 dollars?

This time wife gave a ear to ear smile and said "You know Joseph, When the box used to get full of peanuts I used to sell them for Dollars 10 per Kg."
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Some more naughty [double-reloaded]....................

$] There was this couple who decided to have only four children BECAUSE
              They read a newspaper report saying that
                      "EVERY FIFTH CHILD BORN IN THE WORLD IS CHINESE."

$] Every time when he was asked why he holds his wife's hand when they go out......
               He answers...... "IF I LET GO, SHE SIMPLY SHOPS."

$] MARRIAGE is a process that puts one ring on a woman's finger
                                        AND
               TWO RINGS UNDER THE MAN'S EYE.

$] LOVE IS A SWEET DREAM
    MARRIAGE IS A ALARM CLOCK.

$] A happy marriage is a matter of GIVE and TAKE.
    HUSBAND GIVES AND WIFE TAKES.
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Some more naughty [reloaded]....................

$] Getting married is like going to a restaurant with a friend........
                You order what you want and when you see what your friend ordered.......
                        You wish you had ordered that.

$] When a newly married man looks happy, everyone knows WHY.
             BUT when a 15 year married man looks happy, everyone WONDER 'WHY?'

$] How do most men define marriage?
           An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

$] There was this hero who said to this girl that he would go through hell for her.......
                      THEY GOT MARRIED
    AND NOW................ HE IS GOING THROUGH HELL !!!!!!

$] They say that when a man holds the hands of his women
             Before marriage - LOVE.
             After marriage - SELF-DEFENSE.
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Some more naughty....................

$] If a man opens the door of his car for his wife - you can be sure..............
         [either the car is new or his wife]

$] It is true that all men are born free and equal.................
        [BUT some of them get married]

$] Marriage is a 3 ring business..................
        [ENGAGEMENT RING, WEDDING RING AND SUFFERING]

$] Old man getting married to a young girl is like....................
        [Buying a best seller book for others to read]

$] A perfect wife is the one who helps her husband..................
        [for cooking, cleaning, washing and the dishes]
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Blurting....................

There was this man..............

Who blurted something in the church........

and got himself MARRIED !

LATER...........

He blurted something in the sleep..........

and got himself DIVORCED.
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Lucky..................

Two men met in a restaurant.

1st : My wife is an angel.

2nd : You are really lucky man! Mine is still alive.
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Happiness.......................

There was this man Who made a statement.............

"I NEVER KNEW WHAT HAPPINESS WAS UNTIL I GOT MARRIED.......

BUT THEN IT WAS TOO LATE."
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Biology & Sociology......................

Wanna see how Johny answered a question in the exam paper? Here it goes............

QUESTION :

What is a point of difference between BIOLOGY and SOCIOLOGY?

ANSWER :

If the baby looks like the father it is BIOLOGY

AND

When the baby looks like the neighbor it's SOCIOLOGY.
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No resting......................

In the beginning ..................... God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman since then...........

Neither God nor Man has rested ever.


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Kidding huh? .........................

Little Johny met his next door neighbor.

Johny : Uncle I think I deserve $ 10 from you Or else.........?
Neighbor : Or else? OR ELSE WHAT?

Johny : Or else I'll tell everyone what I saw yesterday in the afternoon in your bedroom.
Neighbor : and what is that you saw dear?

Johny : I saw you having doggy style sex with aunty.
Neighbor : Ha Ha Ha! You are kidding right?

Johny : KIDDING? I saw it with my own eyes.
Neighbor : Go kid with someone else. I was out of station for 2 days and just came back this morning.
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Cost of marriage..................

One teenage son asked his father.

Son : Hey dad! I wanna marry my girlfriend. How much does it cost to get married?

Dad : Well! I really don't know son. I'm still paying.
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Wrong finger.......................

At a Fashion show 2 old friends met.

Rose : Hi! Jasmine howz life? Long time no see.
Jasmine : Fine yaar! Was busy. By the way I got married last year.

Rose : Wow! That's great. BUT aren't you wearing the wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Jasmine : Yes! That's because I married a wrong man.
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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Marriage [part VI] .........................

They were married for 50 years. An interviewer came to interview them live on a Tv. show.

Interviewer : Sir, You are married for 50 years, Did you ever thought about divorce in your life?

Man : Divorce? Never! , MURDER? Yes!!!!!! But Never DIVORCE.
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Marriage [part V] .........................

A man puts up an advertisement in a magazine "WIFE WANTED."

Next day he got 10,000 applications saying that...........

"YES YOU CAN HAVE MINE."
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Marriage [part IV] .........................

After returning from honeymoon a friend noticed that the couple was not on talking terms.

So he took the husband aside and asked what was the matter.

Husband : After the first night as per my practice I placed $ 50 in my wife's hand and
                went to toilet out of habit.

Friend : Don't worry man ! She will come out of this shock and behave with you normally.

Husband : That is not bothering me BUT what is bothering me is she gave me $ 25 in change back.
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Marriage [part III] .........................

A husband and his wife went for a farm show. They came across a Big Bull there was a note
[This bull mated for 365 days last year]

Wife looked at the husband and made a gesture of insult to him and said you know that
is almost once a day. you should learn from him. [Husband kept quite]

After some time they came across another bull with a note [This bull mated for 730 times last year]

Wife gave a devilish look again and said That averages about 2 times a day. Learn something from
this bull or drink his urine. [Husband kept quite]

After some time they came across another bull and there was a note ---> [This bull mated for
1460 times last year]

Wife was wild this time and said eat his dung man he mated 4 times in a day. You should learn some
Lessons from all this bulls you know !!!

Husband got wild this time and said "I KNOW THEY ARE GOOD. AND SO AM I.
GO AND ASK THE BULL OWNERS WHETHER THESE BULLS HAD THE
SAME COW EVERYTIME? AND YOU'LL GET THE ANSWER."
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Marriage [part II] .........................

This lady was having fun with her lover............and............The phone rang. [She answered]

 He: Who was it?
She: My husband.

[He started dressing up and getting ready to go]

She: where are you going?
He: Your husband must be coming so I should push off.

She; Relax Dear! he called me to inform that he will be coming home late cause
        HE IS BUSY PLAYING CARDS WITH YOU.

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Marriage [part I] .........................

After a ferocious quarrel a wife said to husband "You Asshole I shouldn't have married you,
I WAS A FOOL WHEN I MARRIED YOU."

Husband replied "I know Dear at that time, I was in love with you and I didn't
NOTICE THIS FACT."
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Males to wives....................

Who cares bout your heart and soul,
All I want is your hole,

Every time I tell you that I love you,
All I mean is I wanna screw you,

And when I asked your hand in matrimony
It was for a shag not wedding band.
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Hindi Sher...............

Jab tere chikoo the - Sab tere pichoo the,

Jab tere aam huve - Sab pareshan huve,

Jab tere kharbuje huve - Sab bade ajoobe huve,

Jab tere jhul gaye - Sab tuze bhul gaye.
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Orgasm.....................

A man asks wife - "Why don't you tell me when you have orgasm?"

Wife : "You are never home when I have one."
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Girlfriends...................

My girlfriends are like medicines........................

They both come with

EXPIRY DATES.
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Incredible India................

Incredible India :-

We live in a nation.....!!!

Where Pizza reaches home faster than Ambulance and Police.

Where you get car loan at 5% and Educational loan at 12%.

Where rice costs Rs. 33 but Sim card is free.

Footwear that we wear is sold in a/c showrooms BUT vegetables that we eat are sold on footpaths.

Where we make lemon juice with artificial flavors and dish wash with pure lemon.

Truly AMAZING INDIA.
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Fight.................

Man who fight with their wife the whole day.


Don't get the hole piece at night.
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Virginity.......................

Definition of VIRGINITY.....................

A big issue over a small tissue.
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Lightest thing.........................

What is the lightest thing in this world.

DICK !!!!!!!

Even a thought can raise it.
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Infants...............

Do infants love Infancy

as much as

Adults love adultery ???????????????
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2 at a time....................

Why do women have 2 set of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.
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Bill Gates...............

What did Bill Gates wife say on first night.

"NOW I KNOW WHY YOU NAMED THE COMPANY MICROSOFT"
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Well hung......................

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

WELL HUNG!
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Speed of sex.....................

Why is 68 the highest speed of sex for girls?

Cause........

for 69 they have to turn around.
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China man......................

Perplexed china man

I no come........

Wife no come..........

Child come...........

How come???????????
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School time.................

Teacher: Why did you laugh?

Boy: I saw a strap of your bra.

Teacher: GET OUT sssss of the class for one week.

[2nd boy laughs]

Teacher: Why did you laugh?

Boy: I saw both the straps.

Teacher: GET OUT sssss of the class for one month.

[Teacher bent down to pick up the fallen pen]
[Little Johny started walking out of the class]

Teacher; Johny why are you walking out?

Johny: I think my school days are over.
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Eunuch...............

A sardar sees a beautiful eunuch [Hijra] and asks

Are you Prostitute?

Eunuch replies "NO I AM SUBSTITUTE."
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Politricks..............

Musharraf:  [to Vajpeyee] Can you swim?

Vajpeyee: Na.

Musharraf: Dog is better than you. It can swim.

Vajpeyee: Can you swim Mr. Musharraf?

Musharraf: Yes of course.

Vajpeyee: Then what's the difference between YOU and a DOG?
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Diffrence...............

*] What's the difference between pickpocket and peeping Tom?

One snatches watches and other watches snatches.



*] What's the difference between billiards and sex?

In billiards the balls go in and stick stays out and in sex sticks go in and balls stay out.
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Monday, February 28, 2011

Stress, Tension and panic...............

Stress : When the wife is pregnant.

Tension: When the girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic: When BOTH are PREGNANT.
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Wallet...............

Why do men carry their wife's photo in wallet?

In the times of trouble they can look at the photo and Think and Believe

"If we can handle this THEN everything else is manageble."
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Insult...............

How can girls insult guys orally?

1] Can I call it little John?

2] Use your finger it's bigger.

3] Does it come with an air pump?

4] If you can't do it I'll find someone who can.

5] Hurry up! I'm late for a date.

6] Aww! It's hiding.

7] What do you call this?

8] Oh! It looks unused.

9] Where is the rest of it?
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Honeymoon....................

Hubby to wife on honeymoon night.

Hubby: See this? If I had two inches more I would be king.

Wife: OH HONEY! If you had two inches less, You would be queen.
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