Saturday, April 23, 2011

VD [STD]............................

One man called the doctor on the phone & said that his son is having sexually transmitted disease.

Doctor : Okay I'll come tomorrow.
Man : I think It has also passed on to our maid.
Doctor : Okay as I said I'll be there tommorow.
Man : To tell you the fact doctor even I got it from our maid.
Doctor : Oh My God!
Man : and I think...... I think.....
Doctor : WHAT?
Man : Even My wife has got it from me.
Doctor : OH FUCK! WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S NAME - THAT MEANS WE ALL HAVE IT.
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NEIGHBORHOOD...........................

A millionaire Sardar came to understand that his eldest son is visiting brothels.
So to advise him he took him to a pub and started man to man talks.

"Look sonny. I understand that you visit Brothels. If YOU carry this then you will get
AIDS. If you get aids no problem BUT through you your wife will get AIDS. If
your wife gets aids no problem BUT through your wife I will get AIDS. If I get
AIDS no problem BUT through me Your Sister, our maid and Your mom will
get AIDS.If your sister gets AIDS no problem. If our maid gets aids no problem
BUT If your mom Gets AIDS the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD WILL GET AIDS
SO FOR THE SAKE OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD STOP VISITING THE
BROTHELS SONNY. PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
STOP VISITING THE BROTHELS."
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MUMMIES.........................

Q : What happens to to Egyptian girls who forget to take the pills?

A : They become Mummies.
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Hurt.........................

This guy with 12 inches dick died with an erection. It was difficult for the mortician to
put him in the coffin so the dead man's wife told him to cut his thingy and shove it up
his ass.

Next day at the time of funeral his wife saw a small tear in the dead man's eyes. so
she bent over the coffin and whispered in the dead man's ears.

"I TOLD YOU ASSHOLE! YOUR TOOL IS TOO BIG AND IT HURTS LIKE
HELL YOU FUCKIN BASTARD."
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MONEY...........................

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and asks to tattoo a 1000 rupees note on his THINGY.

The owner asks " Why a 1000 Rupees note on your DICK?"

The guy replies 1] I LOVE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY.
                               2] I LOVE TO SEE MY MONEY GROW.
                               3] MY WIFE CAN BLOW MY MONEY WITHOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE.
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Hell Story..............................

A man died and went to hell. Devil welcomed him and asked.

Devil : Do you love SMOKING?
Man : YUP.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Monday.

Devil : Do you love SMACKING?
Man : Very much.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Tuesday.

Devil : Do you love DRINKING?
Man : Absolutely.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Wednesday.

Devil : Do you love Sex with Girls?
Man : That's my first choice.
Devil : Then you are gonna love Thursday.

Devil : Are you a gay by any chance?
Man : Heck no.
Devil : Then you are gonna HATE FRIDAY AND SATURDAY
           AND YOUR ASS WOULD BE SWOLLEN ON SUNDAY.
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Interruption..........................

Wife : How come you didn't talk to me for last 6 days?

Husband : I did not want to interrupt you.
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Who is it..............................

1st Girl : Who is that asshole?

2nd Girl : My husband.

1st Girl : Oh my GOD! I'm sorry.

2nd Girl : It's okay. DON'T FEEL LONELY.
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S E X...................................

An 10 year old girl came to her father and asked what is sex?

Father was surprised BUT thought if she is old enough to ask such question then she
was old enough to understand and digest the correct answer.

The father started telling her the Birds and Bees & Lion & tiger stories about S E X.
After completing he looked at her SHE WAS STUNNED and HER MOUTH WAS
FULLY OPEN AND HER EYES WERE POPPING OUT.

Dad was zapped and asked her "Why did you ask me this question?"

Daughter said "MOM TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT THE DINNER WILL
BE READY IN COUPLE OF SECS."
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SUBSTITUTE.....................

1st Guy : I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

2nd Guy : Yeah? What happened?

1st guy : GOT MY DICK STUCK IN THE NECK OF THE BOTTLE.
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BLOW JOB.............................

A male and a female whales were swimming and they spotted a boat.

Male whale : Hey how bout going under the boat and blow hard through our blowholes.

Female : Well! I don't know.

Male : Come on! It will be a big fun. [She agreed and they did it - sending the boat upside down]

They started swimming again when he said.

Male : How bout going back again and eating the sailors?

Female : SEE DEAR! I AGREED FOR THE BLOW JOB BUT I'M NOT EATING ANY SEAMEN.
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EXPERIENCE............................

2 friends were discussing about a business deal.

1st : I'll put in the experience & you put in the capital.

2nd : And then?

1st : We do the business for 2 years.

2nd : Then?

1st : AT THE END OF THE TERM I'LL GAIN THE CAPITAL AND YOU'LL
          GAIN THE EXPERIENCE.
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ROI..................................

Father : I spent 1,00,000 dollars on my daughters education & you want me to get my
              daughter married to a man who earns only 3000 dollars a month.

Guy : Looking at the global melt down, that's a fair RETURNS ON YOUR INVESTMENT.

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Gonna be a father....................

A smart-ass came to his boss and said he wants 3 days leave cause he is gonna be a father.

The boss granted it.

The guy came after 3 days back to work. The boss asked him "Was it a Baby girl OR a Baby boy?

The guy said with a shy smile. "WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR 9 MONTHS TO SEE THAT SIR."
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VIRGIN.......................

I know it sounds unbelievable but its TRUE. Despite of marring 3 times I am still a virgin.

My first husband was a Gynecologist ----- and------ JUST LOOKED AT IT.

My second husband was a Psychiatrist ----- and ----- JUST TALKED ABOUT IT.

My third husband was a Gourmet ------ and ----- JUST..................
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Who is gonna be the next millionaire.....................

On a game show of becoming millionaire the host asked an old man contestant on the hot seat.

Host : So sir, in these 50 years of your marriage. What has appealed you the most in marriage.

Oldie : "OTHER PEOPLE'S WIVES."
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Impotency......................

A 89 year young man who had married a erotic eighteen girl went to see a sex
specialist asking for advice saying that he had a doubt bout having potency.


Doctor : When did you first notice this?

89 guy : "quite recently."

Doctor : "Give me the full details."

89 guy : "You see doctor I screwed my wife 8 times yester night and could shag only
               TWICE while having my  bath this morning."
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NEIGHBOR............................

3 KIDS WERE PLAYING HOUSE.

A LITTLE GIRL SAID "I'LL BE THE WIFE."

1ST BOY SAID "I'LL BE THE HUBBY."

2ND BOY SAID. "OKAY! YOU GO TO OFFICE. I'LL BE YOUR NEIGHBOR."
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SHOOK UP?...............................

Two society girls were discussing the business of last evening.

1st one asked the other girl "How was your night with the kinky billionaire last night?

2nd one "Well you see he gave me 1000 dollars as tip in the morning."

1st "Don't tell me?"

2nd "But it wasn't worth."

1st "why was it tough?"

2nd "He made me have sex with him in the coffin."

1st "No kidding. I'll bet it shook you up to the core."

2nd "Yeah --> BUT --- Not as much as it did the SIX PALLBEARERS."
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STAGNANT..............................

A beautiful sexy girl walked up to the hospital front desk and asked to see the UPTURN.

"You mean the INTERN isn't it?" the nurse asked.
"Yup I think so - You know I want to have a CONTAMINATION."

"You mean EXAMINATION right?"
"YEAH. WELL! I want to go to FRATERNITY WARD."

"MATERNITY WARD you mean."

"UPTURN - INTERN, CONTAMINATION - EXAMINATION,
FRATERNITY - MATERNITY? WHAT THE SUCK, ONLY THING  I KNOW
IS THAT I HAVEN'T DEMONSTRATED IN 2 MONTHS AND I THINK I AM

STAGNANT.
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DIRT CHEAP.............................

THEN THERE WAS THIS REDHEAD WHO TREATED MEN LIKE DIRT.

SHE HID THEM UNDER THE BED WHENEVER HER HUSBAND CAME HOME.
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RING MY BELL....................

Joseph : Tell me darling, Did any of your girlfriends admire and like
                  your ENGAGEMENT RING?

Lovelina : ADMIRE AND  LIKE?

Joseph : YEAH.

Lovelina : They did more then that. 3 of them RECOGNIZED IT.
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Birds story.......................

This man went to see a TV producer for a audition on 33rd floor.

"What can you do?" asked the producer.

"I do imitations of birds." Said the man.

"Don't Fucking waste my time. I don't want the bird Imitator on my show."

"OKAY OKAY." said the man reached for his hat

AND FLEW OUT OF THE WINDOW.
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FRENCH FRIENDS.......................

Two French friends are talking in a park In USA. Sitting opposite are 2 elderly ladies.

1st one says "Emma come first, Den I come, Two asses dey come together Den I
come again, Two asses they come yet again together and I come once more
Den Pee twice and I come yet again."

One of the old lady gets up and bangs her purse on this guy's head and says

"You filthy little son of a gun, In this country we don't discuss our personal sex life in public."

French " No madame no" I no discuss sex life."
Lady "then what the fuck you were talking about coming business?"

French --> "COOLA DOWN LADDY" "ME JUST TELLIN MU FRIEND
                    HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI."

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Burger & doughnuts.........................

A man walks in a restaurant, sits on the counter and orders a hamburger.

The counterman bellows "One Hamburger"

The person in the kitchen grabs a hunk of chopped meat, stuffs in his bare armpit and pumps his arms 3-4 times and tosses it on the griller.

The man up on seeing this say's "This is the most disgusting and ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life."

To which the man on the counter replies. "OH YEAH?"

"THEN YOU SHOULD BE HERE IN THE MORNING WHEN HE MAKES DOUGHNUTS."
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Hand job.......................

This guy walks in a pub and sees the sign above the bartender.
Chicken Sandwich ------> $ 1
Ham Burger ------------> $ 3
Hand Job --------------> $ 10

The man walks to one of the sexy blondes who is exceptionally SEXY,attractive & beautiful and is serving the drinks to some guys.

Blonde : Yes sir! How may I help you.
Guy : Well! Well!.......I mean.........

Blonde : Sir. Speak it out. Don't hesitate. I am all ears.
Guy : Well! I was wondering. Are you the one who gives the hand Job?

Blonde : Yes! Indeed I am.

Guy : Then wash your FUCKING HANDS & FIX ME A HAM BURGER.
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Tongue.................

An attractive Blond accompanied by her old aunt went to see a doctor.

Blond : We have come for an examination.
Doctor : Okay young lady. Go behind the curtains and take off all your cloths and lie on the table.

Blond : No not for my check up. It's for my aunt.

Doctor : Very well. Okay mam. Please stick your TONGUE OUT!
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Friday, April 22, 2011

Mosquito....................

3 swordsman got into finals in Olympic................They were the best without any comparison. The finals was on and they were told the rule. They had to stand in a circle and a mosquito would be left open from a trap and they had to show their skills with it.

1st was a Japanese. He went with his Samurai and stood in the circle. The mosquito was freed and Japanese went into action SWOOP ! SWOOP! SWOOP! BOTH THE WINGS OF MOSQUITO FELL DOWN AND SO DID THE MOSQUITO AFTER BEING SLICED INTO 2. {There was a big round of applause from the spectators} Japanese bowed gave a smile at the other 2 competitors.

2nd was a Chinese. He went and stood in the circle with his zigzag sword. The mosquito was freed and Chinese went into action SWOOP! SWOOP! BOTH THE WINGS AND ALL THE LEGS OF THE MOSQUITO FELL DOWN AND SO DID THE MOSQUITO. {There was more bigger applause this time from the spectators} Chinese also bowed and went back.

3rd was an Indian he went with just a small sword little bigger then a dagger and stood in the circle. The mosquito was freed and Indian gave a small precised cut in the air SWOOP! BUT OH OH! The mosquito flew away. Indian gave a wicked smile to both the competitors and bowed 3 times to the spectators and judges and went dancing to the sitting place. {there was neither the applause nor any sign of appreciation from the spectators}

The Judges called the Indian and asked "The mosquito flew away we couldn't see any action from your side BUT why are you so happy as if winning a GOLD MEDAL?"
Indian replied cause I am confident that I HAVE won the GOLD.
Judges asked "HOW COME?"
Indian : You know that mosquito was a male?
Judges : That's a new peice of information my dear. SO WHAT?

Indian : [with devilish smile] SO WHAT? THAT FUCKIN MOSQUITO WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BECOME A FATHER IN HIS LIFETIME. I CUT HIS PRICK.

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