Monday, February 28, 2011

Stress, Tension and panic...............

Stress : When the wife is pregnant.

Tension: When the girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic: When BOTH are PREGNANT.
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Wallet...............

Why do men carry their wife's photo in wallet?

In the times of trouble they can look at the photo and Think and Believe

"If we can handle this THEN everything else is manageble."
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Insult...............

How can girls insult guys orally?

1] Can I call it little John?

2] Use your finger it's bigger.

3] Does it come with an air pump?

4] If you can't do it I'll find someone who can.

5] Hurry up! I'm late for a date.

6] Aww! It's hiding.

7] What do you call this?

8] Oh! It looks unused.

9] Where is the rest of it?
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Honeymoon....................

Hubby to wife on honeymoon night.

Hubby: See this? If I had two inches more I would be king.

Wife: OH HONEY! If you had two inches less, You would be queen.
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Career.................

two sperms were ambitious and were discussing.

One said that he wants to be a medical practitioner. Other said he wanted to be an engineer.

After some time the owner went to bathroom and masturbated.

Both the sperms said Hankering "The fucker screwed our career."
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Best sex life...............

If you can eat yogurt and eggs mixed with horse urine and cowdung,

You can have best marital and sex life.

Cause

If you can eat that then you can eat anything.
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Rhym...............To all girls...............

The book of god beneath you,

The man of god above,

Salvation pole in your hole,

Now wriggle your ass

To save your soul.
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LITTLE JOHNY..........

Maths teacher: Johny there were 7 birds on a tree a hunter shot 1.
                       How many birds will remain?
Johny: None after hearing the shot.

Teacher: The answer is 6 BUT I like the way you think.

Johny: Mam, can I ask you a question?
Teacher: Yes you may.

Johny: There  are 3 ladies sitting in a ice cream parlor eating ice cream cones.
           1 sucks the cone, 1 licks the cone and third one nibbles at the cone.
           Now which one of them is married?

Teacher: [confused] Well! I think the one sucking the cone.

Johny: No! the answer is the one with the wedding ring on.
           BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
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Confession..................

One day a sexy girl went for a confession..........

Her: Father I wanna confess that I called a man "Son of a bitch"
Father: That's not good child.

Her: But father he kissed me.
Father: {kissing her} Like this child?
Her: Exactly like this father.
Father: But that's not a good reason to call a man son of a bitch.

Her: But father then he took my brassier off.
Father: {removing her bra} Like this?
Her: Exactly like this father.
Father: But that's not a good reason to call a man son of a bitch.

Her: But father he then took my panties off.
Father: Like this?
Her: exactly like this father.
Father: But that's not a good reason to call a man son of a bitch.

Her: But father then he screwed me.
Father: Like this?
Her: exactly like this father.
Father: But that's not a good reason to call a man son of a bitch.

Her: But father he had AIDS father.
Father: "OH MY GOD!  THAT MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH."
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Sperm count...................

One 85 year old man went for sperm count. Doctor gave a bottle to collect sperm.

Next day the man came with the empty bottle and told that

he tried with left hand then with right hand.

Then his wife tried with left hand then right hand.

Then his daughter in law tried with both hands and then mouth.

So did their maid with both the hands, mouth and both feet.

Then their neighbor tried same way but could not............


OPEN THE BOTTLE!
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Some mind boggling jocks............

*] Nine out of ten veterinary doctors who tried cows prefer women.

*] Advice to girls:- It's not how you make it long, It's how long you make it.
                             It's not the size that matters it's the bite that matters.

*] A sex maniac weds but forgets to get the wedding ring. Priest makes the gesture of the ring.
    the groom replies with a ear to ear smile "Tonight ! Tonight ! The whole night I promise."
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Sardar & Englishman...........

One day a sardar entered a toilet on a airport.
An Englishman was in the toilet using the urinal.

Englishman saw the sardar and said greeting "How do you do?"

Sardar replied "We open the zip and do."

Sardarji rockz.

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Army camp.............

A major was posted at a desert army station. on a visit, he saw a camel there and asked a
soldier Why it was there? The soldier said that all the soldiers use it when they become very
horny and desperate sexually......

One night the major got sexually desperate and couldn't control......

So he called the same soldier and asked him to bring the camel and a high stool. He then stood on the
stool after placing it behind the camel.

He then fucked the camel 5-6 times wildly for the whole night. When he was done,
He proudly asked the soldier "Is this the way you use this camel?"

Soldier in a shocking state replied
"No ! Sir, We ride it to the nearby village, Where prostitutes live."
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Heights and depths [part V] .................

What's the height of burning love?
Instead of Vaseline applying pain balm while having sex.

What's the height of protection?
Clinton saying that there were 5 FBIs around when he was with Monica.

What's the height of reuse?
A sardar turning the condom inside out and shake the cum from out of it.

What's the height of shagging habbit?
When you screw your wife and you feel you are cheating on yourself.
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Heights and depths [part IV] .................

What's the height of courage?
Two cannibals having oral sex.

What's the height of belief?
A guy laying naked on a girl waiting for a 20 Richter scale earthquake to take care of the rest process.

What's the height of too much frustration?
A boxer trying to scratch his balls with the boxing gloves on.

What's the height of technology?
A condom with a zip.

What's the height of doubt?
Bill Clinton getting a baby boy with a turban looking exactly like Manmohan Singh.
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Heights and depths [part III] ............

What's the height of excitement?
When you are eating pussy and you eat shit.

What's the height of saving?
A father cutting the son's pant pockets so that he doesn't have to buy toys.

What's the height of repentance?
A boy seeing the parents in their bedroom and saying "and I get spankings for sucking my thumb."

What's the height of eating pussy?
A girl of 60 Kg. becoming 30 kg. after her lover eating her.

What's the height of competition?
A guy peeing besides a water fall with full force.
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Heights & depths [part II] ..............

What's the height of suspicion?
You get up in the morning after a wet dream and your ass is bleeding.

What's the height of waste of time?
Telling a bald man hair raising stories.

What's the height of spending time?
Your wife spending the day in beauty parlor for taking the estimate and appointment.

What's the height of laziness?
A sardar marring a girl due for delivery next week.

What's the height of bad luck?
You ejaculate before having an orgasm.


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Hights & depths [part I] ...................

What's The depth of darkness?
A negro searching for his balls in the dark.

What's the height of sophistication?
An infant sucking milk from mother's breast with a straw.

What's the height of frustration?
A guy running around a tree trying to screw his own ass.

What's the height of patience?
A girl sleeping naked under a banana tree legs apart expecting a banana to fall in her pussy.

What's the height of coincidence?
the banana does fall inside her.



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Diffrent types of ORGASMS..........

Did you know? There are various types of orgasms.

Positive orgasm :- Oh Yes! Oh !!! yesssssss! Oh! Yeah !!!!!!!!!

Negative orgasm :- Oh No ! oh noooo ! Ohhhh Noooooooo !!!!!

Spiritual orgasm :- Oh God! Oh God! Ohhhh God I'm coming !!!!!

Devilish orgasm :- Oh fuck ! Oh fuck ! oh fuck me hard and kill me!!!!!

Dirty orgasm :- Oh shit ! Oh shit! Fuck oh shit !!!!!

The Indian classical orgasm :- Nahi nahi Nahhhiiiiiii !!!!!!!

Rock & roll orgasm :- Oh Baby ! Oh baby ! Oh baby!!!!!!

Heavy metal orgasm :- Oh Honey Go Johny Cominnnn baby eeeehhhhh !!!!!

Instrumental orgasm :- Ooooohhnnn ! Ooohhnnnnnn !!!!!!

Sports type orgasm :- Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Oohhhhh Yeah! yes!

Finally the south Indian orgasm :- Aiiiyooo aaiyyooo Swami!
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Erectus Trouserious............

The 'Eractus Trouserious or the trouser snake is the world's most dangerous snake!

Color varies from pink to black. It's fang less, Average length 5 to 6 inches.

Although some are said to reach 9 to 12 inches depending on the honesty of it's owner.

It appears usually in the bedroom attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area.

It's highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months.

Some mutant species are also known to attack men from behind !!!!!!!!!
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Asshole............

Yesterday night Pappu helped an unknown aunt to reach her home.
Aunt: "Pappu Sleep here it's too late and dark out side. Sleep in Bittu's room"
Pappu: "Okay Aunty But I'll sleep here in the living room instead of Bittu's room."

Next day morning a sexy, gorgeous and beautiful girl came with a cup of coffee.
Pappu: "Who are you?"
Girl: "I am Bittu. And how bout you?"

Pappu: "I'm Asshole."

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Joggin park.........

Yesterday's news.

42 year old aunt was rapped by a 22 yrs. old boy in the jogging park.

Today's news.

Jogging park is full of Aunts.


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Santa Banta.............

Santa was crying outside a pathology lab.
Banta asked him "Hey! Why are you crying?"
Santa replied "I had come for a blood test and they cut my finger."
Banta [shit scared] "Oh God please save me! I have come for urine test."
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Some more...........

*] The 'F' rule. Find her, Friend her, Flirt her, Fondle her, Finger her, Fuck her, Forget her, Find next.
*] It is the girls geography that determines her history.
*] How are prostitutes like chicken farmers? They both earn livings raising COCKS.
*] A young man was so nervous while meeting prospective father in law that he blurted out "I am asking for your daughter's hole in handy matrimony."
*] How to impress a girl? Complement her, Respect her, honor her, Cuddle her, Kiss her, Caress her, Love her, Stroke her, Tease her, Comfort her, Hug her, Protect her, Hold her, Spend on her, Wine and dine her, Listen to her, Care for her, Stand by her...........How to impress a man? Show up naked and serve a chilled beer.
*] the newlyweds came back from honeymoon. A friend asked the husband "did you enjoy the whole thing?" Husband replied "I enjoyed the hole and she enjoyed the thing."
 *] Beauty lies in the eyes of BEER HOLDER.

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Some selected toppers...........

*] I'm a religious guy - I love my neighbor BUT can't stand her husband.
*] I teach maths to beautiful girls. ADD a bed, SUBTRACT the cloths, DIVIDE her legs and MULTIPLY shots.
*] Definition of making love? It's what girls do when you are screwing her.
*] How do you know that you've got a great sperm count? She has to chew before she  sallow.
*] My favorite air hostess is one who asks "Coffee, Tea or Me?"
*] Best barman says "Water is the best drink if taken with right spirit."
*] Having sex with the same girl many times is like scratching the place that itch no more.
*] Why do girls have 2 holes so close? In case you miss one.
*] Did you read Mata Hari's book? Title :- "How to make $ 100 millions with just one pussy"
*] What is man's  Idea of foreplay? 30 minutes of begging.
*] Man who fingers girls having period gets caught red handed.
*] Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and all gone.
*] Board outside a doctor's clinic "Virginity will be cured"




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Incredible............

She said to this macho man.........

"My back aches and my pussy is sore....
I simply can't screw any more.....
I'm covered with sweat....
and you haven't come yet........
and "GOD" It's quarter to four."
 
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Marriage.......

Marriage is a great entertainment.
First year husband speaks and wife listens.
Second year wife speaks and husband listens.
After year both speak and neighbors listen.
Funny RIGHT?
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